Graduation Ramblings and Emotions

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Hey everybody! By the time this post premiers on the blog, I will have graduated high-school, which is still a crazy thought. I mean, 12 years of test and homework and looking forward to the day I actually get out of there… it’s mind blowing. I’m done. Well, I mean, there’s still college, but we’ll get to that when we get to it. Anyway, this is a post I’ve been working on since January as you will see below. It’s just me and my thoughts throughout the passage of time. It’s a little random, a little depressing with a pinch of attempted humor. You don’t have to read this, tomorrow I’ll be back with your regular scheduled programming. But if you’re staying, enjoy 🙂 .


January 25th, 2018 || 4 Months (120 days) From Graduation

As you’ve see from the title of this post, I’m graduating high school… and I don’t know how to feel. Quick question to you guys: how did you feel those months coming to the moment where you fly away from the nest? If I’m honest, I don’t think about it. It’s a coping mechanism I have for huge, scary change. Don’t know if it’s the right way to handle it, but it’s working for me now. Some days I think I’d be great at this independence thing. Other days I feel I’ll fail so badly… I never actually get farther than that. Coping mechanism, remember? I wanted to write this bit of rambling just to reflect. I’ll come back from time to time to empty out my brain. But for now, here are some random thoughts:

  • Do I have to wears heels?
  • What if I fall?
  • I’m homeschooled, no one’s going to cheer for me
  • My dad’s probably going to record the whole thing T_T
  • If I showed up in some Converse, would that be weird?

February 21, 2018 || Three Months (92 days) From Graduation

So, I officially had my first mental breakdown. I mean, it wasn’t from the idea of graduation, I have so much work that I need to accomplish to graduate, credits I have to catch up on. I’ve become a hermit with a linear focus of getting all of this over with. I did get better by actually getting out of the house (Black Panther also helped ❤ ).

If I’m honest, I don’t even want to walk across that stage. Not because I’m scared (I’m a little nervous) but… no ones really going to come. My sister is probably going to work, my dad is more than likely going to come, but he’ll complain and make the experience… weird? And my mother will be there of course… I can’t even ask my brother… Alright this is getting depressing, but walking across that stage seems like a waste of time? I’m an online student, can’t they just mail it to me? Yeah, my laziness is showing XD

Later on in the month, I started thinking about my books. I know at first I couldn’t fathom separating from even some of them, but now I’m getting around to the idea. I can definitely see a few books (well, more than a few) books I can leave behind. Still gives me anxiety

March 08, 2018 || Two Months (78 Days) From Graduation

You ever think about how we’ve been conditioned to know nothing but school, only to be thrown out into the world where now jobs are a thing? I mean, college is still a thing, but is that just a way to postpone what lies ahead?

Enough with the TED Talk, they’re now talking about graduation pictures. And my mother tried shoving makeup in my face, knowing my phobia of it (that’s a whole other conversation in itself). I’m not very good with pictures, selfies don’t count, but I am an online student. It’ll be me with a hundred other strangers who know each other and me… alone waiting to take my picture. I don’t regret online schooling, but its times like this where I wish I had some allies.

April 03, 2018 ||One Month (52 Days) From Graduation

UNR email me (!!!) talking about a campus tour and applying (!!!) I also got my ACT back and… didn’t do the best? But it’s okay, because I got the email and that’s all that matters for right now. I’m more worried about other things. An apartment, for example. I have a dog (and my mother jokes about not wanting to keep her… and I can’t imagine her without me…) so, I looked up some studio apartments and they’re surprisingly cheap? I don’t know why studio apartments are my dream living place XD. But then there’s also the job thing and I’ve never had a job before (I put in my first job application a few days ago please send help) and… I already mentioned this before, so I won’t repeat myself. Everything is hitting me though it’s a light tap, I’m sure it’ll get worse and venting helps a lot.

April 21, 2018 || One Month (34 Days) From Graduation

So, I have made the decision not to walk across that stage. It’s something I didn’t want to do in the first place and was only going to do it because everyone was hyping it up? My sister didn’t walk. My dad didn’t even graduate. I kind of just want to put high school behind me. Hand me my diploma and I’m out. The only one who truly, 100% supports this is my mom (she say it before I even brought it up). Everyone else… not so much. But, it is what it is ¯\_()_/¯.

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May 01, 2018 || (21 Days) From Graduation

I’m… tired? Anxious? I just turned in an application to a college (that wasn’t even in my thoughts… they kept emailing me -_-) and there’s this downward thought spiral that I won’t get in? And I mean… I believe it. I know in my heart of hearts it won’t happen. And that’s sad. Because I’m not even trying to attempt to think positive. I rather be happily surprised than let down. Or, I’d rather not get my expectations up. I notice I do this a lot (I use this philosophy when I request ARC’s so I don’t get too sad… only to be overwhelmed with ARCS -_-). And it’s not good for my mental health, because I can’t imagine a future without going to college…. it’s kind of scary. But I’ll figure something out. Hopefully.

May 10, 2018 || (15 Days) From Graduation

Mental breakdowns are fun. Especially when you know what’s causing them and can’t stop it for fear of… so many things. I’m not going to go into it, but my exact feelings are this song right here. All of the lyrics are me in this last month of school and I cannot. 

May, 19, 2018 || (6 Days) From Graduation

So close to graduation… and my cat dies. I’m not too upset since it was from old age and we gave her all our love, but I did cry a little bit. Other than that, school’s giving me more assignments, yet on the plus side… I had a really good sleep session recently? Despite everything, I’m not as low as I was a week ago and instead of dreading the momentous day, I kind of excited 🙂 .

May 25, 2018 || Graduation Day

I have officially graduated. And like I said on instagram, it’s overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. Because on one hand, I have no idea what I’m going to do. College is the automatic answer, but… I still don’t know what I’m going to do. ON the other hand, I’m not thinking about it? For as long as I can remember, I’ve always lived with the philosophy of go with the flow. And I’m pretty good at it. SO as of right now, I’m focusing on other things… like a job. And a license. And my mental health. Because reading through these… journal entries? I’ve noticed I was a hot mess. It’s kind of ironically funny seeing my first entry having humor and such… to this. So I have three months to focus on me. This should be interesting.

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Again, I know this isn’t what you guys follow me for, but I needed to do this. Keeping it all in would’ve been toxic. So, um… if you made it this far, thank you for reading, I really appreciate it 🙂

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22 thoughts on “Graduation Ramblings and Emotions”

  1. Congrats on graduating! I loved your approach to this post and sharing your journey over the course of several months with all of us, that was really awesome to read. I completely get that feeling of it being overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time, but I am sure you will figure things out. Our society makes us believe that we have to have all our ducks in a row all the time, but that’s BS. You’ll find your way at your own pace 🙂 just go with the flow as you said! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally hear you! My High School was specialised on tourism and then I decided to do a 180 and study film and media production, which obviously has far less job opportunities and that wasn’t as easy to digest for all my family members either haha some still ask me about when I am going to open my hotel.

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  2. Congratulations on graduating! That’s so exciting! ❤ Just because you're not sure what you want to do yet, don't stress! Most college students aren't decided on a major in the first few years, and some people take a gap year before starting college too. You should do whatever you feel is right and start when you feel you're ready to! I wish you all the best and I know you'll find your way soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ohmy, CONGRATULATIONS! *lovingly throws confetti* reading all those mini journal entries was so insightful, so thank you for sharing that part of your life ❤
    I hope you have a wonderful summer, you totally deserve after surviving twelve years of studying and tests and stress in general :'')
    it's okay to not have everything figured out (I definitely don't HAHA) but I'm sure you'll end up doing amazing things💕

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  4. Congrats on the graduation, LaRonda!! My friends and I didn’t walk across the stage either, because honestly the entire walk takes less than 5 minutes and the rest of 3 hours you just have to sit there and listen to people speak. Which was NOT at all appealing to me at the time. 😛

    And don’t worry, I already did my undergrad degree and I still have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. Some people are lucky enough to figure out EXACTLY what they want to do early on in life, but I think for the most of us, we’re still just kind of testing the waters. So no hurries. 😀

    All the love! ❤️

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  5. Congrats! I know graduating is bittersweet. And you’ve been working on this post for months, so you’re making an attempt at dealing with it. I hope it helps 🙂

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  6. Congrats, friend! Graduating high school is always an exciting and nerve wracking adventure.
    I’ve been out of high school for 5 years now. Don’t stress about college and what you wanna do. You spend the first two years taking Gen Ed stuff anyway (unless that has changed since when I first started college). If you have an interest, see if the college of your choice offers classes based on your interests. That way you can get a sense of what you might wanna do as a career.
    I totally understand the anxiety. I was a nervous wreck when I started college as well. I thin you will do so great and I am sending you lots of love! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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